Fellow Malaysians and visitors to Malaysia, I would put my bets that you have seen this image before. Remember that time that you’ve went to the mamak stall or Chinese coffee shop, and you just had your gratuitous amount of chicken curry, kuey teow, and rojak? Your bodies digestive system does not comprehend the mess of a meal that you had consumed, and it really wants to get it out (sculling a teh tarik didn’t help either).
Your tummy is upset, very upset with You.
So you need to critically take a shit, and the thoughts in your head already tell you that your in for a ride when you have to go to the loo.
“Fuck that, I’ll hold it in” You say.
You sneak a silent a fart or two, and cough if your flatulency makes a sound. You try and you try to hold it in, but sadly your already doggy prairie-‘ing’ your poop.
“Oh Allah, why have you forsaken me” runs through your mind.
Relegation is painful, and to be forcefully sent to the gas chamber of death and despair is depressing.
You get up, and head to the toilet.
I like lists. So here’s some things you may find in grievance (in no particular order).
- Its a squatting toilet – The ability to shit and squat at the same time amazes me. Its not an easy feat.
- trickle of pee on the seat – Toilet paper, “wipe wipe wipe”. Put three layers on the seat before you do your thang’
- There’s no toilet paper – “But there’s a trickle of pee on the seat!”
- Its a squatting toilet – What? is it really so expensive to invest in a seating toilet?
My personal experience with a Malaysian toilet, has all the situations above compiled, and thrown at me once. Including another fact, that the door doesn’t lock.
Rasta open food court in Taman Tun Dr Ismail is a very nice place to dine and to congregate with your mates. However, the toilet situation is extraordinarily unique.
A combination of the image, the list above, and the fact that the only way to lock the door is by tugging a piece of string, just blows my expectations away – Murphy’s law comes to mind.
I taught myself that moment of despair, the ability to squat and shit and the same time – while, tugging on the string to keep the cubicle door shut. I didn’t even wipe my ass.
I’m not saying I detest the current situation of Malaysian toilets, I actually reminisce positively about my encounters. But, In conclusion,
Bring your own toilet paper, and remember to stretch before any rigorous activity.